March 17, 2010

Today was another confusing day for me. I still can't tell the difference between my real feelings and the BD rage and agitation. One might think I'd have that down pat by now, but I don't.

My mother used to be a huge part of my life, so huge she pretty much controlled it. Then enter my fiance. She doesn't like him and when I tried to speak with her about it, at my father's request, it turned into WWIII. That was Dec. 27th, 2009. We haven't spoken since. She sent a few baiting emails, which I ignored, then she informed me, via email, that she blocked me from her email. The next day my father came over and gave me my house key back and asked for theirs and for all of the stuff I was using to write their Wills. My father had been trying to get me to talk to her again but continued to refuse. Thankfully he finally dropped the subject. Recently I confided in my Aunt (her sister) about what had happened because no one could understand my refusal to attend family birthdays at my mother's house, etc. I thought she understood and she said that when I was ready she (an ex-therapist) would help me in anyway she could to find someone for my mom and I to sit down with and try to work this out. Yesterday my Aunt called and said "You don't have to answer this now, but...if Grandma was still alive, what would she say about all of this?" My immediate response was "That my mother is being an ass." I quickly got off of the phone and got VERY angry...how DARE she use my dead grandmother as a pawn to get me to give in and once again allow that woman to NOT take responsibility for her words and actions and let her get away with treating not only my fiance, but me...her own daughter like shit!!?? Even my therapist agrees that in the back of her head somewhere she may be trying to make me sick again so I "need" her. Well, news flash mom...I AM ALREADY SICK AGAIN!!!! Most of the scars I bare on my arms have her name on them as she has historically been my biggest trigger.
To her I AM Bipolar...

The anger never stopped and it continued today when I woke up. My fiance, S, slept too late, the dishes had been sitting there for days, the garbage was overflowing and I feel as if when he says "Don't worry, take care of yourself, I'll take care of everything."....he really means, "Relax and don't worry, everything will be waiting for you when you're feeling better." I have not been the easiest person for my son, L, or S to live with for months now and I am trying to get to July so that I can enter the hospital for ECT treatments. If I try to do it now, my mother will swoop in and take my son and take over my life as I sit in the hospital. I don't think that kind of stress will help me much during that kind of treatment and neither does my doctor or S. S's mom has BD and so did his ex-wife. So he knows about it. But sometimes I get so angry!!!!!!! How can he "know" so much yet let everything that drives me crazier just go!!?? I know that this is hard on him and my son too. I am up, down, side to side, or asleep every minute of everyday...cycling like a bike rider!!!

I try to hold in my anger until I can work through it and figure out what is real and what is BD but that has proven to be an ultimate fail. All I end up doing is exploding and telling him "I can't do this anymore, you'd be better off without me."
Then I shutdown and stop listening....this is my pattern...every time.
Today, after we went through our song and dance, I went, almost like a zombie, and grabbed my razor and cut. I have only cut one other time in the last few months and the last time, it didn't make me feel better. But this time, I got that high again. I felt that release that I was looking for and felt free.
Now I feel back to square one. I cut. I did it and now my first day without cutting starts again tomorrow. What's worse is, Saturday, my son is being honored for an achievement and I can't wear the dress I planned to wear because I cut on my arm. My mother and Aunt will be there and they can't see that...no one can.
I skipped my does of klonapin this morning and maybe that had something to do with the days events, maybe not. I need to sleep...sleep all the time...its the only time I know that will be safe to myself as well as not hurt the people I love the most and who stand by me.

I don't want to be here anymore most days...I don't know where I DO want to be, but it ain't here.