Today was another confusing day for me. I still can't tell the difference between my real feelings and the BD rage and agitation. One might think I'd have that down pat by now, but I don't.
My mother used to be a huge part of my life, so huge she pretty much controlled it. Then enter my fiance. She doesn't like him and when I tried to speak with her about it, at my father's request, it turned into WWIII. That was Dec. 27th, 2009. We haven't spoken since. She sent a few baiting emails, which I ignored, then she informed me, via email, that she blocked me from her email. The next day my father came over and gave me my house key back and asked for theirs and for all of the stuff I was using to write their Wills. My father had been trying to get me to talk to her again but continued to refuse. Thankfully he finally dropped the subject. Recently I confided in my Aunt (her sister) about what had happened because no one could understand my refusal to attend family birthdays at my mother's house, etc. I thought she understood and she said that when I was ready she (an ex-therapist) would help me in anyway she could to find someone for my mom and I to sit down with and try to work this out. Yesterday my Aunt called and said "You don't have to answer this now, but...if Grandma was still alive, what would she say about all of this?" My immediate response was "That my mother is being an ass." I quickly got off of the phone and got VERY angry...how DARE she use my dead grandmother as a pawn to get me to give in and once again allow that woman to NOT take responsibility for her words and actions and let her get away with treating not only my fiance, but me...her own daughter like shit!!?? Even my therapist agrees that in the back of her head somewhere she may be trying to make me sick again so I "need" her. Well, news flash mom...I AM ALREADY SICK AGAIN!!!! Most of the scars I bare on my arms have her name on them as she has historically been my biggest trigger.
To her I AM Bipolar...
The anger never stopped and it continued today when I woke up. My fiance, S, slept too late, the dishes had been sitting there for days, the garbage was overflowing and I feel as if when he says "Don't worry, take care of yourself, I'll take care of everything."....he really means, "Relax and don't worry, everything will be waiting for you when you're feeling better." I have not been the easiest person for my son, L, or S to live with for months now and I am trying to get to July so that I can enter the hospital for ECT treatments. If I try to do it now, my mother will swoop in and take my son and take over my life as I sit in the hospital. I don't think that kind of stress will help me much during that kind of treatment and neither does my doctor or S. S's mom has BD and so did his ex-wife. So he knows about it. But sometimes I get so angry!!!!!!! How can he "know" so much yet let everything that drives me crazier just go!!?? I know that this is hard on him and my son too. I am up, down, side to side, or asleep every minute of everyday...cycling like a bike rider!!!
I try to hold in my anger until I can work through it and figure out what is real and what is BD but that has proven to be an ultimate fail. All I end up doing is exploding and telling him "I can't do this anymore, you'd be better off without me."
Then I shutdown and stop listening....this is my pattern...every time.
Today, after we went through our song and dance, I went, almost like a zombie, and grabbed my razor and cut. I have only cut one other time in the last few months and the last time, it didn't make me feel better. But this time, I got that high again. I felt that release that I was looking for and felt free.
Now I feel back to square one. I cut. I did it and now my first day without cutting starts again tomorrow. What's worse is, Saturday, my son is being honored for an achievement and I can't wear the dress I planned to wear because I cut on my arm. My mother and Aunt will be there and they can't see that...no one can.
I skipped my does of klonapin this morning and maybe that had something to do with the days events, maybe not. I need to sleep...sleep all the time...its the only time I know that will be safe to myself as well as not hurt the people I love the most and who stand by me.
I don't want to be here anymore most days...I don't know where I DO want to be, but it ain't here.
Wednesday
Tuesday
March 16, 2010
Do you ever wonder if we keep ourselves here? Do you ever wonder why we can't just "suck it up"? Do you ever wonder if we do this to ourselves?
I do. I wonder if I am just a selfish person who wants everyone else to do everything for me while I sit around and do nothing.
I do. I wonder if I am just a selfish person who wants everyone else to do everything for me while I sit around and do nothing.
Monday
March 15, 2010
It's still amazing to me how one's mind can go from down to up and skip the in between. Today was a raging day for me. I woke up and knew that I would say or do something that I would later regret, so I ripped out all of the dead crap in my garden and clipped down the dead stuff off of the rose bush. It wasn't until after I was done that I realized I had never put on gloves. No pain, just a few minor cuts. Nothing big.
I asked today how someone knew how to answer the question "Are you suicidal?". It seems to me to be quite a loaded question. For me, I will not off myself...I love my son too much and know that this is one thing I can control for him. I keep breathing even if my moods bring me to places that he can't understand. But, do I think about it, is it in the back of my head? Of course, lately almost everyday. I think how everyone who loves me would be better off without me, without worrying about me all the time and without have the burden of dealing with me. I also think selfishly...I want this pain to stop. I feel like my soul has been taken away from me and what's left is just a black hole. Empty. No matter how much love my son and fiance show me, I feel alone. I want to sleep my life away right now and wake only when this blackness is gone.
I question why I have been given this curse. What have I done so wrong that I must live in this misery. These days the misery is almost constant. I do see occasional rays of light and smile, only to be beaten down again by my demons. When I am "up", I question nothing, I may even call BD a gift. I see things brighter and feel things stronger. Inevitably, that gift is turned around on me and the things I feel stronger are death, fear, anxiety and misery.
Right now I would welcome getting high, whether legal or prescribed. I am hoping that at the end of the month when I see my pdoc's brother, he will prescribe me something new. Something that will, at least for a while, make me fly and carefree. I live for that.
I will never promise anyone that I won't self-harm...I am a cutter. But I can promise that I will keep breathing. Whether I will release my own blood to flow, I don't know, it all depends on the moment.
I asked today how someone knew how to answer the question "Are you suicidal?". It seems to me to be quite a loaded question. For me, I will not off myself...I love my son too much and know that this is one thing I can control for him. I keep breathing even if my moods bring me to places that he can't understand. But, do I think about it, is it in the back of my head? Of course, lately almost everyday. I think how everyone who loves me would be better off without me, without worrying about me all the time and without have the burden of dealing with me. I also think selfishly...I want this pain to stop. I feel like my soul has been taken away from me and what's left is just a black hole. Empty. No matter how much love my son and fiance show me, I feel alone. I want to sleep my life away right now and wake only when this blackness is gone.
I question why I have been given this curse. What have I done so wrong that I must live in this misery. These days the misery is almost constant. I do see occasional rays of light and smile, only to be beaten down again by my demons. When I am "up", I question nothing, I may even call BD a gift. I see things brighter and feel things stronger. Inevitably, that gift is turned around on me and the things I feel stronger are death, fear, anxiety and misery.
Right now I would welcome getting high, whether legal or prescribed. I am hoping that at the end of the month when I see my pdoc's brother, he will prescribe me something new. Something that will, at least for a while, make me fly and carefree. I live for that.
I will never promise anyone that I won't self-harm...I am a cutter. But I can promise that I will keep breathing. Whether I will release my own blood to flow, I don't know, it all depends on the moment.
Tuesday
March 9, 2010
It's evening now and the amount of klonapin my pdoc has me on is keeping me quite calm, but also very tired. My thoughts are quiet today as I feel the klonapin has numbed my brain a bit. That's not such a bad thing. I did figure out why I wake up with such wicked headaches...it's the klonapin. As soon as I open my eyes, any amount of light sends a sheering pain through my eyes and into my head.
Right now the pain and numbness are worth it because I am not hurting the ones I love. My temper has reduced and my reactions to things have lessened. We're holding off on the ECT right now and trying a new med. The pdoc said that it hasn't been approved for BD yet by the FDA but I told her I'm game...anything to make this depression and aggression stop until July. Then we try ECT.
My parents put me into and impossible situation by inserting themselves into the situation when I was going to start ECT about a month ago. My mother has thrown me out of her life (that should be a different post) yet continues to try to force herself into my life all on the premise of helping her grandson. Any plan I came up with to get me in the hospital for treatment sooner wasn't good enough for her and she would insist, through my father, that she take care of my son. They even tried to tell me that I should sign over Temporary Custody of my son to them and give my father Power of Attorney over my life while in the hospital. My fiance isn't family, he said, and he should be the one to do it. OVER MY DEAD BODY!
I, along with some friends and my fiance, came up with the idea to send my son to my best friend in TX until my treatment is over. This would require my son to transfer schools while he is there and finish middle school in another state. Ideally I don't want to have to do this, but if it comes down to need and no longer want, I will. Anything to keep him safe and away from my mother, and I know he will be with people he knows and loves.
Second shift jobs don't allow for caring for a child on your own and since my fiance works 2nd shift, he can't be there for me and take care of my son (L). L is excited and wants to go now, but I can't disrupt his life like that unless I have no choice, and right now, I'm being given choices.
So on to a new med I go and we shall see how it works. Meds and I, historically, haven't gotten along too well and there are few that I can tolerate or that don't max out on me. Here's to hoping for that miracle pill, at least enough of a miracle to get me until July, when school is out and I can send L to TX for a summer break.
Right now the pain and numbness are worth it because I am not hurting the ones I love. My temper has reduced and my reactions to things have lessened. We're holding off on the ECT right now and trying a new med. The pdoc said that it hasn't been approved for BD yet by the FDA but I told her I'm game...anything to make this depression and aggression stop until July. Then we try ECT.
My parents put me into and impossible situation by inserting themselves into the situation when I was going to start ECT about a month ago. My mother has thrown me out of her life (that should be a different post) yet continues to try to force herself into my life all on the premise of helping her grandson. Any plan I came up with to get me in the hospital for treatment sooner wasn't good enough for her and she would insist, through my father, that she take care of my son. They even tried to tell me that I should sign over Temporary Custody of my son to them and give my father Power of Attorney over my life while in the hospital. My fiance isn't family, he said, and he should be the one to do it. OVER MY DEAD BODY!
I, along with some friends and my fiance, came up with the idea to send my son to my best friend in TX until my treatment is over. This would require my son to transfer schools while he is there and finish middle school in another state. Ideally I don't want to have to do this, but if it comes down to need and no longer want, I will. Anything to keep him safe and away from my mother, and I know he will be with people he knows and loves.
Second shift jobs don't allow for caring for a child on your own and since my fiance works 2nd shift, he can't be there for me and take care of my son (L). L is excited and wants to go now, but I can't disrupt his life like that unless I have no choice, and right now, I'm being given choices.
So on to a new med I go and we shall see how it works. Meds and I, historically, haven't gotten along too well and there are few that I can tolerate or that don't max out on me. Here's to hoping for that miracle pill, at least enough of a miracle to get me until July, when school is out and I can send L to TX for a summer break.
March 9, 2010
If your looking for a great group of people who understand BD and have a Facebook account, please check out --> http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=385589763297
March 9, 2010
BD (Bipolar Disorder) is no joke. It can bring you to your knees and beg for your own death. It can fly you so high you really think your going to touch the sky.
BD is also so very misunderstood...it is an illness, just like cancer. So please, read the following and remember...we don't want to be this way, we didn't ask for this and we need your help ....
Ten things friends and family members NEED to know about those of us with bipolar disorder.
10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker!
Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. (We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)
9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.
8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today.
I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.
7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives.
This is NOT fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it affects us greatly.
6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently?
Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.
5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.
4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode
and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again. We can't do it alone.
3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.
2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job. It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.
1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL.
People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy - WHEN THEY ARE SICK.
In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship. Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of u s- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!
BD is also so very misunderstood...it is an illness, just like cancer. So please, read the following and remember...we don't want to be this way, we didn't ask for this and we need your help ....
Ten things friends and family members NEED to know about those of us with bipolar disorder.
10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker!
Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. (We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)
9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.
8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today.
I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.
7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives.
This is NOT fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it affects us greatly.
6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently?
Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.
5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.
4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode
and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again. We can't do it alone.
3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.
2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job. It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.
1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL.
People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy - WHEN THEY ARE SICK.
In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship. Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of u s- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!
Monday
March 8th, 2010
I started this blog hoping that by writing down the thoughts in my head they might then go away, hoping that by reading what I've written someone else might not feel so alone, hoping that being able to see what I think will in some way help me make sense of it.
Whatever the reason and whatever the outcome, this is me...I view life different than most and I feel my emotions stronger than most could ever dream. Is that a blessing or a curse? I haven't figured it out yet, why don't you tell me.
Welcome to my life with Bipolar Disorder.
Whatever the reason and whatever the outcome, this is me...I view life different than most and I feel my emotions stronger than most could ever dream. Is that a blessing or a curse? I haven't figured it out yet, why don't you tell me.
Welcome to my life with Bipolar Disorder.
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