March 15, 2010

It's still amazing to me how one's mind can go from down to up and skip the in between. Today was a raging day for me. I woke up and knew that I would say or do something that I would later regret, so I ripped out all of the dead crap in my garden and clipped down the dead stuff off of the rose bush. It wasn't until after I was done that I realized I had never put on gloves. No pain, just a few minor cuts. Nothing big.
I asked today how someone knew how to answer the question "Are you suicidal?". It seems to me to be quite a loaded question. For me, I will not off myself...I love my son too much and know that this is one thing I can control for him. I keep breathing even if my moods bring me to places that he can't understand. But, do I think about it, is it in the back of my head? Of course, lately almost everyday. I think how everyone who loves me would be better off without me, without worrying about me all the time and without have the burden of dealing with me. I also think selfishly...I want this pain to stop. I feel like my soul has been taken away from me and what's left is just a black hole. Empty. No matter how much love my son and fiance show me, I feel alone. I want to sleep my life away right now and wake only when this blackness is gone.
I question why I have been given this curse. What have I done so wrong that I must live in this misery. These days the misery is almost constant. I do see occasional rays of light and smile, only to be beaten down again by my demons. When I am "up", I question nothing, I may even call BD a gift. I see things brighter and feel things stronger. Inevitably, that gift is turned around on me and the things I feel stronger are death, fear, anxiety and misery.
Right now I would welcome getting high, whether legal or prescribed. I am hoping that at the end of the month when I see my pdoc's brother, he will prescribe me something new. Something that will, at least for a while, make me fly and carefree. I live for that.
I will never promise anyone that I won't self-harm...I am a cutter. But I can promise that I will keep breathing. Whether I will release my own blood to flow, I don't know, it all depends on the moment.