March 9, 2010

It's evening now and the amount of klonapin my pdoc has me on is keeping me quite calm, but also very tired. My thoughts are quiet today as I feel the klonapin has numbed my brain a bit. That's not such a bad thing. I did figure out why I wake up with such wicked headaches...it's the klonapin. As soon as I open my eyes, any amount of light sends a sheering pain through my eyes and into my head.
Right now the pain and numbness are worth it because I am not hurting the ones I love. My temper has reduced and my reactions to things have lessened. We're holding off on the ECT right now and trying a new med. The pdoc said that it hasn't been approved for BD yet by the FDA but I told her I'm game...anything to make this depression and aggression stop until July. Then we try ECT.
My parents put me into and impossible situation by inserting themselves into the situation when I was going to start ECT about a month ago. My mother has thrown me out of her life (that should be a different post) yet continues to try to force herself into my life all on the premise of helping her grandson. Any plan I came up with to get me in the hospital for treatment sooner wasn't good enough for her and she would insist, through my father, that she take care of my son. They even tried to tell me that I should sign over Temporary Custody of my son to them and give my father Power of Attorney over my life while in the hospital. My fiance isn't family, he said, and he should be the one to do it. OVER MY DEAD BODY!
I, along with some friends and my fiance, came up with the idea to send my son to my best friend in TX until my treatment is over. This would require my son to transfer schools while he is there and finish middle school in another state. Ideally I don't want to have to do this, but if it comes down to need and no longer want, I will. Anything to keep him safe and away from my mother, and I know he will be with people he knows and loves.
Second shift jobs don't allow for caring for a child on your own and since my fiance works 2nd shift, he can't be there for me and take care of my son (L). L is excited and wants to go now, but I can't disrupt his life like that unless I have no choice, and right now, I'm being given choices.
So on to a new med I go and we shall see how it works. Meds and I, historically, haven't gotten along too well and there are few that I can tolerate or that don't max out on me. Here's to hoping for that miracle pill, at least enough of a miracle to get me until July, when school is out and I can send L to TX for a summer break.